For those of you who don't know, both of my daughters have a learning disability. While I don't normally provide details about their medical histories, these disabilities have played a huge part of our lives. They have determined housing, vacations, jobs, schools, finances and friendships. They have also forever changed my husband and I, for the better.
I have been accused for years of being a "helicopter parent", which by definition means "a parent who takes an overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child, especially in educational setting." School psychologists, counselors and friends have questioned my parenting. Funny enough, none of those same people are parents of disabled children. Especially special needs children trying to fight their way through a private school education system.
This came up again this weekend as my husband and I were taking our youngest to tour her university where she will be an incoming freshman this fall. A friend commented to my daughter how she was not making her own decisions on her adult path. She was upset by this because upon deeper reflection, every choice she'd made about her college education and life after high school has been solely her decision. Perhaps this friend was not aware that since she was in junior high, she had sought out our advice on a variety of issues. Dating, friendships, work, education, etc because her disability restricts her from seeing the bigger picture. Many of our discussions have been in asking her questions which may or may not lead her to making wise decisions. We do not "feed" her the answers, but rather help her make informed decisions. How does this make me a bad parent?
Growing up, I was never punished. I'd never been put on restrictions, provided extra chores, had possessions taken away or yelled at. My parents understood the power of disappointment and how to use that power to help your child make better decisions the next time. I suppose this is how I've raised mine. My girls are good kids. They would rather face the disappointment of their friends than my husband and I. I'm not saying ours is the best way, it's just what we know and what works for us.
If you've ever raised a child with disabilities, physical or educational, you'll understand how unless you demand a service you won't receive it. If you don't advocate, they won't listen. If you don't teach your child to advocate for themselves, they won't learn. But many children learn from example. A prime example is my older child who could manipulate even the most seasoned teacher. It didn't matter how many times I told the school psychologist that she knew how to multiply by 0's and 1's. She still spent 6 months with a private aide at school reviewing these. She'd finish her 40 homework problems alone in 5 minutes, and spend an entire math period at school on 20 questions. He accused us of doing the work for her. (In the end my mom called him an idiot and unfit to evaluate children.) Nobody knows your children better than you, and she might still be doing her lazy math if I hadn't pushed her math teachers to push back.
My husband and I are both in the trades. We did not expect nor demand our daughters attend college. It was left as an option, but if they wanted to work, attend a trade school, travel or marry, that choice was theirs. Both decided on additional schooling, and our youngest wanted to experience attending school at a university. She wanted to extend her youth and experience living on her own. Someday, she will take off and travel the world (her passion), experience new things and meet wonderful people. We are supporting her and letting her open her own doors.
I will continue to be available when my baby has questions or needs advice, just like any other parent would do when asked. She once told me "why would I ask my friends advice when they're at the same level as me? It seems smarter to ask people who've had life experience and who will give me guidance because they love me, not out of jealousy or deceit." She has matured so much this past few years and I commend her on every decision she's made. She still may say "my parents and I decided ______" but trust me when I say she's always in charge of her choices. And right or wrong, we'll always support them and be by her side during all of her ups and downs in life.
So I guess the moral of my blog today is "mind your own business!" My children and happy, well adjusted and strong. I'm teaching them to see all the options before making their decisions and loving them every step of the way. I'm following in mom's footsteps in choosing love over tough love until they give me reason not to. LOL
